Dear Reader:
I hope you enjoy the first act of Isn't Life Wonderful? For the entire play, please email enquire@theambler.net.
Joanne Brower: Mother, 49, co-owner of Green And Shiny.
Henry Brower: Father, 57, retiring history teacher.
Amanda Fitts-Brower: Daughter, 29, accountant.
Jason Brower: Son, 22, university student.
Stephanie Brower: Daughter, 16.
George Brower: Henry's father, 78. He carries a cane.
Gail Maxwell: Joanne's friend, 48, an executive.
Brad Kimberley: A handsome potential lodger, 31.
The action takes place in the combined living and dining room of the Brower family.
There are three doors: one is the front door, one is the kitchen door, and one leads to the upper floor. There is a large dining table and comfortable, rather than stylish, furniture.
A June afternoon in the Brower household.
[The telephone rings, 9 times.]
ANSWERING MACHINE: [Stephanie's voice.] Hi, it's the Browers. We're out or in hiding or... Please leave messages.
TOM'S VOICE: [A teen-aged boy, desperate-sounding.] Stephanie, call me!
[The sound of answering machine rewinding.]
[Joanne enters with groceries and presses message button on answering machine. There is a knock offstage. Joanne exits.]
HILDA'S VOICE: Hello, it's Hilda. I called to congratulate Henry on his retirement. Sorry I'll miss the party. Love to all.
FAITH'S VOICE: Joanne, please call me at the Bank as soon as you get this message. Thanks.
FRANK'S VOICE: Jason, this is your boss. Call me. I know you've had the job for four summers now, but, well, downsizing, you know. Sorry, Jason.
SEYMOUR'S VOICE: [He is old and hard of hearing and he speaks loudly.] George? George, this is Seymour. I need to talk to you about our, ah, investments. You understand? Financial investments!
SUPERINTENDENT CHALMERS' VOICE: [Angrily and pompously.] Hello, Henry. This is Superintendent Chalmers. You certainly finished your teaching career with a bang. It's a good thing you retired. You'll never work in this town again.
FAITH'S VOICE: Joanne, it's Faith from the bank again. Call me immediately. This is extremely important.
CONSTABLE LEECEY'S VOICE: [Female.] Mrs. Brower, this is Constable Leecey from the Police. Please call me right away about your business. The number is ***-***-****. As soon as you get this message, Mrs. Brower.
AMANDA'S VOICE: Hi, Mom and Dad. It's Amanda. I'm sorry. I probably won't be there for the party. I mean, I'll be there tonight, but not in time for the party, and... [Cries.] I mean I've left Freddy and quit my job and I'm coming home to live. I'm penniless but I'm happy. We'll have a real retirement party when I get there. I love you. Bye.
TOM'S VOICE: Stephanie, call me!
JOANNE: Apples, pears, Brie, bread, grapes. I think we have everything now. Thanks for taking the afternoon off work to help me with the party, Gail.
GAIL: You're welcome, Joanne. We'll have fun—giggle and slice. [Noticing the flashing light on the answering machine.] You have messages on your answering machine.
JOANNE: I'll check them later. It's probably people calling to say how much they admire me; also, to tell me they want to offer me money. How much good news does a person need at one time? Drink, Gail?
GAIL: Joanne! It's 2:30 in the afternoon. What will we be like by the time the party starts?
JOANNE: I think I'll risk it. What can go wrong? Other than a little hangover.
GAIL: Or bruises.
JOANNE: Don't worry, Gail, I won't walk into the walls. I can't believe how well everything is going. Hilda and I signed for our business loan with the bank this morning, every Loonie we asked for. We'll expand the business soon, three more stores, and then we'll be making even more money than we do now. I'll be working every day from tomorrow 'til I'm 75, right through hail and sleet and grandchildren. Right now, we both have the afternoon off and we'll enjoy ourselves getting ready for Henry's retirement party. Today we celebrate.
GAIL: Congratulations, Joanne. I'm very happy for you, and Henry too.
JOANNE: Thank you, Gail.
GAIL: What will it be like with Henry home all the time? I can't imagine him not teaching history anymore.
JOANNE: Wonderful, I expect. He'll write the book he's always wanted to write, Heaven help us, and take care of the house, and get dinner. I won't really know. I'll be at work. [They laugh.] Who could have imagined it three years ago? Here I am, co-owner of Green And Shiny, the fastest growing, most profit-making, truly life-enhancing line of environmentally-friendly cleaning and beauty products around.
GAIL: Not me. I can't imagine why anyone would buy something with the name Green And Shiny on it. Would you want your toilet Green And Shiny? Would you want your face Green And Shiny? How about your dog?
JOANNE: I know. I thought the name was odd at first. But it was Hilda's choice, and Hilda's always right about these things.
GAIL: Yes, I'm sure she is. I'm surprised Hilda agreed to your taking the afternoon off. You've both been so busy, and she always wants you to work more, not less.
JOANNE: Gail, I know you've never liked Hilda, but you must admit she's been a good business partner.
GAIL: It was your idea to expand.
JOANNE: True; but she arranged the financing. All we have to do is sign the leases on the three new stores, then it's...
GAIL: Working forever. To work!
[They toast.]
JOANNE: To work! To work, and why not? Henry's taught history for thirty years in the high school and he's always helped around the house. Now it's my turn to go out every day into the cruel, cold, lucrative world.
GAIL: Joanne, you've been working hard every day for three years. Look at how quickly Green And Shiny has grown.
JOANNE: True, Gail—but it's been fun, almost a hobby. Now I'll be the only one bringing home the bacon.
GAIL: Yuck! Why not bring home the tofu?
JOANNE: The green tofu?
GAIL: The Green And Shiny tofu?
[They laugh.]
JOANNE: How about I just bring home plenty of money?
GAIL: That will do. Joanne, aren't you a little bit worried? With Henry taking such an early retirement, his pension will be awfully small.
JOANNE: We've thought it through carefully, Gail. The mortgage is almost paid off. Stephanie's nearly old enough to take care of herself. Jason's summer job is so good it pays for all of his university expenses. Grandfather's never a problem, and he has his own money. Henry is such a good teacher he could work again any time if he had to. We only see Amanda for an occasional visit. And I've got Green And Shiny. What could go wrong? To work, and to a wonderful life!
GAIL: I'll drink to that.
JOANNE: I'm going off to change, then well get cooking. I'll just be a few minutes, Gail.
GAIL: Fine. It will give me a chance to do my exercises.
[Stephanie enters, unnoticed by Gail.]
GAIL: [As she exercises, energetically and oddly.]
One and a two and a four and seven,
Good little Gails will go to Heaven.
Three and five and six and an eight,
We'll fly right in through the Pearly Gate.
Oooh wah, oooh wah... Stephanie!
STEPHANIE: Did I startle you, Gail?
GAIL: No. Well, maybe a little. Are you happy today is the last day of school, Stephanie?
STEPHANIE: Of course. Wouldn't you like to have two months off work?
GAIL: I'd die for two months off work. How were your marks? All As, as always?
STEPHANIE: [Thinks a moment.] Endless Es, every endeavour...even English.
GAIL: That will be the day.
STEPHANIE: Nice blouse, Gail.
GAIL: Thanks. What are you going to wear for the party tonight, Stephanie?
STEPHANIE: This!
GAIL: Stephanie, tonight is Henry's big night. Why not dress up a little?
STEPHANIE: Wear something ritzy, you mean, to show that Daddy can afford to dress his little daughter well, even though he's retired on practically no money?
GAIL: You know very well that's not what I meant. I mean, wear something nice to show your appreciation for your father. It's just one way of showing you appreciate him. You could tell him or sing him a song. You could play catch with him, now that he's retired. He'd like that. But dressing up is good.
STEPHANIE: He wouldn't mind if I didn't.
GAIL: No, he wouldn't. Henry is a sensible man, in many ways. But I'm sure he'd be pleased.
STEPHANIE: You like Henry a lot, don't you?
GAIL: [Startled.] Like Henry...of course I do. I like your mother, too. And I like...
STEPHANIE: Gail.
GAIL: Yes?
STEPHANIE: Gail, your hair's got goop in it. Green stuff. There, on the left side, just above your ear.
[Gail checks. There is nothing.]
GAIL: There's nothing there.
STEPHANIE: See you later, Gail. I'm going to plan my outfit for tonight.
GAIL: Little vixen.
JASON: Hello, Gail. I agree with that assessment. What's my sordid little sister done this time?
GAIL: Nothing, Jason. Nothing at all. But your little sister Stephanie has a way of making me feel very, very foolish over nothing. I don't know how she does it, but she's very good at it.
JASON: She's good at many things. Sometimes were proud of her.
GAIL: Why aren't you at work, Jason?
JASON: Well, Gail, I knew that my boss and his boss had Father for a history teacher, a well beloved and looked-up-to and all that sort of teacher, so I asked for today off. I told them that I have to help get ready for the great history teacher's retirement party. I made it sound as if Winston Churchill and Joan of Arc and Attila the Hun were on the guest list. Lots of work to be done. Clever?
GAIL: Clever. But I doubt if your bosses' appreciation for Henry will extend to paying you to help at his party.
JASON: You're right. But I'm making so much money that I can afford to take one day off in the whole summer. It's an important day.
GAIL: Well, I suppose just this once is all right.
JASON: [Childishly grateful.] Thanks, Auntie Gail.
GAIL: Little...
JOANNE: [From offstage.] Gail. I'm ready!
GAIL: Coming, Joanne.
JASON: See you at the party, Gail.
[Jason sits on sofa, puts feet up, and reads.]
[George sneaks up behind Jason. He has a fish attached to a piece of string. He loops the string over his cane, and causes the fish to swim past Jason.]
JASON: Hello, Stephanie. No, wrong crooked sense of humour. Hello, Grandfather.
GEORGE: Hello, Jason. Well identified.
JASON. Thank you. The difference is subtle, and I cannot explain it in words, but I am always able to make the distinction.
GEORGE: Bright boy. Day off work, I see.
JASON. You bet.
GEORGE: How are you enjoying the job this year, Jason? When you're there, I mean.
JASON: Very well, George. It's a great summer job.
GEORGE: You're a lucky young man. Why, when I was your age, I barely made in a year what you'll make in one short summer. Then you'll be off to play at the university again.
JASON: So you point out every year about this time, George. And as always I say, Thank you. Thank you for getting me my wonderful, high-paying summer job in the factory where you used to work, without which my academic career would be much more burdensome. Thank you for enabling me to eat during nine months of the year, and to have a place to lay my tired, crammed head, and to have clothes to wear.
GEORGE: And beer to drink.
JASON: And beer to drink. Thanks, Grandfather.
GEORGE: A matter of connections, Jason. It was my pleasure. [Jason gets up and offers to hug him.] Your once a year thanks are sufficient. And, of course, good marks.
JASON: Of course.
GEORGE: Not that good marks are everything. Why, when I was a young lad, there was a...
JASON: I know. Got to run, George. I've got a date. Can't waste a day off work.
[Jason exits.]
GEORGE: Grandchildren.
JASON: [In and out.] Thanks!
GEORGE: Grateful grandchildren. I thought he'd never leave.
[George stretches out on sofa for a nap.]
[Henry enters carrying a tall pile of boxes, papers, etc., that almost cover his face. He dumps everything on sofa.]
GEORGE: Germans! Martians! Poodles!
HENRY: None of them, Father, nor is there anyone here from McDonalds. It is Henry, your son, and I apologize. I was unable to see you on the sofa. Are you hurt?
GEORGE: Nothing broken, Henry, but an old man's peaceful afternoon nap.
HENRY: Something I'm looking forward to, now that I'm in retirement.
GEORGE: In retirement! It was only a few years ago you were in diapers. Why, I can remember your first day at school. Not that I was there, you understand, but your mother told me all about it. Little Henry, kicking and screaming all the way to school. Little Henry, crying when his mother tried to leave him there. Little Henry...
HENRY: Enough, George. After all these years, embarrassing childhood stories are still embarrassing.
GEORGE: History. That's all it is. How can a history teacher object to history?
HENRY: I've retired. I can complain about anything.
GEORGE: You're right. Welcome, son. Welcome to the land of ease and neuralgia, that fabled country where you have the time to do anything you want to do, except that everything is too painful to do, and you've forgotten what you're doing before you're half way through doing it, anyways.
HENRY: Yes, I noticed it was like that for you when I was fourteen or so.
GEORGE: Why, you deserve a beating for that, boy. [He chases and threatens Henry with cane.] Come back. Come back, you little rascal. Retirement won't protect you.
JOANNE: Now, boys.
HENRY: Hello, dear. I'm home.
[They embrace.]
JOANNE: And for the last time, Henry.
HENRY: Yes. George has already been lecturing me on the joys of retirement. Or was it the agonies of old age?
GEORGE: Hello, Joanne. Henry was paying me back for remembering his childhood. Nothing has changed. He was a very bad fellow today. Now I'm going to my room to have my afternoon nap in peace.
JOANNE: And without having to be told, George.
GEORGE: Yes. I'm a good boy.
JOANNE: Sometimes I think we're all crazy here, Henry.
HENRY: Are you including yourself, my dear?
JOANNE: Of course not. I'm the only sane one of the bunch.
HENRY: And the best looking, by far.
JOANNE: Thank you, dear. How was your retirement get-together at school? Did they all come to see you off?
HENRY: They did. And they got their money's worth.
JOANNE: Henry, what did you say to them?
HENRY: Have a seat and I will tell you. Imagine the setting, Joanne. Many of the people I'd worked with, or against, for years, gathered in the teacher's lounge to honour me. Coffee and cake! Handshakes and hugs! Many, I am pleased to say, were happy to be there, though for some it was just another end-of-the-school-year duty. All the teachers were there, or almost all. The Principal, Superintendent Chalmers, and even a member or two of the school board were in attendance. Imagine! Retirement after 27 years in the trenches.
JOANNE: I can picture it, dear.
HENRY: They were expecting the usual platitudinous speech. "How I spent a lifetime trying to cram knowledge into delightfully sweet-smelling heads, along with a few funny stories and many thanks to my colleagues. And thanks for the gold watch, too."
JOANNE: I can see it coming. You told them what you think, didn't you?
HENRY: For a mere 15 minutes! It was wonderful, Joanne. I was rude to no one. I was pleasant. I'm sure I was entertaining. I merely said what I believe to be true about our school system. I compared education in Canada today with education in other times and places. I was stern and I was fair and I think I was correct, mostly. Best of all, I was succinct—no one was bored. Afterwards, I distributed copies of my speech to all. I particularly enjoyed giving one to Superintendent Chalmers. I shall read excerpts from it at the party tonight.
JOANNE: I'm happy for you, Henry, and I'm looking forward to reading all of it. Did you keep track of the friends you lost?
HENRY: I would say, no friends lost, I hope; some acquaintances lost; some enemies made; some respect gained; and, I suppose, some of them just think of me as a minor loony who retired none too soon.
JOANNE: I wish I'd been there.
HENRY: Don't worry. One of the artsy students videotaped it. It was an occasion.
JOANNE: Wonderful. We can watch it tonight.
HENRY: Very kind of you, but I don't want to spoil the party.
JOANNE: Well, maybe just a few highlights, dear.
HENRY: Of course! Joanne, I think I'm going to be a very happy retired man.
JOANNE: I hope so. You deserve it, darling. [They embrace.] Henry, everything is changing so quickly. Here we are, you at the end of your career, me at the beginning of mine. Are we sure we're doing the right thing? I sounded so certain when I talked to Gail earlier. What if something goes wrong?
HENRY: I'm sure we'll be fine, Joanne. I have my pension. George has his pension and his savings. Green And Shiny is making more money than anyone had imagined, and now you're expanding. Hilda's such a go-getter, we'll probably be hearing about franchises within a year. Soon you'll be thinking of retiring, because you'll be as close to rich as you want to be. And if something does go wrong...
[Stephanie enters unseen.]
JOANNE: We have each other.
[They kiss.]
JOANNE: Is retirement making you more romantic, Henry?
HENRY: It's one of the reasons I retired early, Joanne.
JOANNE: Oh, everything is going to be wonderful! I love you.
HENRY: I love you too. Stephanie, how long have you been staring at us?
STEPHANIE: Oh, since just before you started k-i-s-s-i-n-g. I didn't want to interrupt.
JOANNE: Thank you, Stephanie.
STEPHANIE: I'm very happy for you both. Also, I'm a little bit shocked. Old people shouldn't look so sexy. Or maybe, at sixteen, I'm just tired of the sex stuff in anyone, at any age. It's like bad television, its everywhere, and there's got to be more to life. How was your retirement bash, Dad? And I didn't really mean old.
HENRY: Very good, and I'll tell you the funny parts at the party tonight.
JOANNE: I've left Gail in the kitchen long enough.
HENRY: I'll come and help.
JOANNE: You will not. It's your party, and Gail and I will take care of everything. Unless you want to help, Stephanie?
STEPHANIE: I'll be there in a few minutes, Mother. Maybe.
HENRY: Until later, sweetness and light.
JOANNE: My dark seducer.
STEPHANIE: Yuck!
HENRY: Sorry, Steph. It was difficult to resist, after your tirade against the everywhereness of sex.
STEPHANIE: Well, I know sex is everywhere all the time, and I think about it a lot, and there are hormones and stuff, but why does it have to be on TV and in books and advertising so much more than anything else? I mean, food and shelter and the absence of pain are important, too. Why must sex be so, so sexy?
HENRY: Sit with me for a few minutes, child, and I will explain.
STEPHANIE: Oh, Daddy, you're still funny. I love you.
HENRY: I love you too, Pukkins. This is how I think it is, with sex. I agree that sex is too much seen and talked about and emphasized. I am angered that it is used so much for making money, in entertainment and advertising, as you say, and in plenty of other ways. Having money, and more importantly, spending money, and having sex, are the two most applauded and insisted-upon preoccupations in this misbegotten, misguided country of ours. We won't speak of the Americans, just now.
Don't misunderstand me, Stephanie. Sex is important and fine, but it should be a personal matter, not something to be spread all over, like chocolate sauce. Sufficient money is necessary, also. But there are other matters that are just as important, if not more important: friendship, family, cooperation, community. But if we were to begin to consider these things as necessary as sex and money, the government and thems that runs things would become uneasy.
STEPHANIE: [She considers.] You mean, Daddy, that the purpose of sex and money, the all-over glitzy kinds, is to keep us from thinking about the truly important things in life?
HENRY: That's it, Stephanie.
STEPHANIE: I shall consider this, and give you my opinion later.
HENRY: I look forward to your comments.
STEPHANIE: [Shyly.] Daddy, would you like to play catch?
HENRY: Catch? Yes, I think I would. Thank you, Stephanie. I'll have to change out of my teaching duds first.
STEPHANIE: Meet you outside, big guy.
HENRY: Sooner, Snukums.
[High fives. They exit running.]
JOANNE: [Offstage.] Henry! Careful. You almost knocked Gail over.
GAIL: [Offstage.] Oh, Henry.
HENRY: [Offstage.] Sorry!
JOANNE. Some day's it's like a zoo in here; other days it's like a racetrack. Time for a break, I'd say. We must have worked for half an hour already, or you have. Thanks for the help, Gail.
GAIL: You know you're welcome, Joanne.
JOANNE: Was it difficult for you to get the afternoon off work?
GAIL: Not at all. Even easier than for Jason, I'd imagine. My boss couldn't possibly complain. I never take a day off. I'm never sick. It's an event for the office when I'm not there. It's good for them.
JOANNE: Where would they be without you?
GAIL: In desperate collapse, no doubt. I'm so dependable, it's sickening. Maybe it's time to do something different with my life. You and Henry are doing new things. My life never changes.
JOANNE: Gail, that's not true.
GAIL: Joanne, I've lived in the same apartment for twelve years. I've gone out with Tobias for five years. I've had the same job since before the flood.
JOANNE: Which means you've been promoted six times and you make an almost embarrassing salary for a single woman.
GAIL: The same extremely well-paying, gratifying executive job I so much enjoy, forever. And what does my being a woman have to do with it?
JOANNE: Nothing, other than you are one. It would be bucketfuls for a single man, or a married woman with children, or...
GAIL: Let's not talk about that. And what do I spend it on? Nice clothes, restaurants, wild weekends with Tobias. Nothing serious!
JOANNE: Do something, then. Get a hobby, go to church, jump off a cliff. And as for Tobias, I sometimes wonder how he puts up with you. When you get like this, you're a pain. You have almost everything you could want, yet you insist on carrying on like somebody's poor relation. And your apartment is wonderful.
GAIL: Thank you, Joanne. You always know how to make me feel better.
JOANNE: I'm sorry, Gail. It's just that...
GAIL: No, you're right. Sometimes I don't know how well off I really am. Thank you for reminding me.
JOANNE: You're not angry?
GAIL: No. I actually feel fine now. You know me. Two minutes of sour grapes keeps me going for a month. It's like a laxative. Excuse me. I'm going to call Tobias about tomorrow.
[Gail tries the phone.]
GAIL: Your phone is dead.
[Sound of breaking glass. A baseball flies into the room. Gail and Joanne stare in wonder.]
Clair Culliford © 2012 Clair Culliford